


Love Me For Me

by bluehappyking



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Agents of SHIELD, Angst, Based on a Dream, F/M, FitzSimmons - Freeform, Love, Romance, Some Fluff, beach, sexy stuff, sunset
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-05-06
Packaged: 2018-03-29 07:23:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3887410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluehappyking/pseuds/bluehappyking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on a dream I had. AU after the finale.</p><p>Fitzsimmons are told to go on holiday by Coulson to fix their friendship, but when they get there they realise that there are plenty of underlying issues and obstructions in their way to working things out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Me For Me

S.H.I.E.L.D would allow agents time off every so often and it was common that when they did, Leo Fitz and Jemma Simmons would choose to go back to the United Kingdom for their break - spend time with respective families before heading back. However, with all things considered over the last few months - they hadn’t thought about or even discussed going away together. 

It was Phil Coulson who decided that after all the drama that had been going on, that Fitzsimmons deserved some proper time away - and on their own rather than with family. 

“Barbados,” Coulson handed Simmons the tickets. “Trip for two for two weeks. Enjoy.”

“Hold on,” Fitz spoke up and crossed his arms. “Why do we get to go?”

“Other than your little adventure to find Hunter, Mike and I and your ‘vacation’ if you want to call it that to HYDRA, you two haven’t been off base since...the pod,” Coulson told them and the two looked at each other awkwardly. “So, I figured, I’d do something nice. For your loyalty and your help.”

“But we...we can’t really take this, can we?” Simmons said. “I mean, this says we leave tomorrow and we haven’t even packed and there’s lots of research I need to finish off in the lab that’s...”

“No excuses,” Coulson said. “I’m the Director and you two are going to have fun, whether you want to or not.”

Fitzsimmons smiled in unison.

“I guess we’d better go pack,” Fitz said.

“I’ll go check the weather to see what it’s going to be like!” Simmons added excitedly, the two walking to the door. 

“And guys?” Coulson said and the two looked back at the same time. “Fix this.” He indicated between them and whilst neither of them responded, Simmons gave a small nod before she left.

\-----

That was how it began and the words rung in both of their ears throughout the whole trip with the first week passing quickly, but it was still just as awkward as being back at the base. Of course, there were times when the two were acting like they used to - fussing about food, where they would sleep in this posh S.H.I.E.L.D. owned villa and Simmons being extra cautious with her suncream and making sure that Fitz didn’t burn.

The two cared about one another so deeply, but it was just difficult to focus on how they used to be without considering what had happened since. They’d never discussed the pod confession, the reason why Simmons left, Skye, Tripp or Ward - it had just been accusation after argument and Simmons especially was tired of being talked at, rather than having a conversation. She kept to small talk and discussing other’s lives in hope that someday she could ease herself into the big conversation. That seemed harder than it looked. 

Things used to be so much easier once upon a time, and yet now everything seemed far more strained. She just wanted Fitz back in her life and she wanted to start doing things right for once. However, that in itself wasn’t working out well because every ‘right’ action seemed to lead to a much larger ‘wrong’ one and guilt on her conscious she just couldn’t shift. 

Their villa opened out onto the beach and it was always nice to sit and watch the sun set every night. Simmons wanted to watch it with Fitz but he would always walk out onto the beach and sit by the shore to do so - and she never had the courage to join him. It was as if they were sharing the same break but as strangers. 

“Why are you so scared, it’s your best friend,” Simmons was brushing her hair in the mirror and muttering to herself. “Just go out there, make conversation and it’ll be fine. Completely fine.”

She put the hairbrush down and breathed out before walking out of her bedroom and walking out of the villa to join him.

Fitz looked up and smiled flatly at her.

“Decided to join me tonight instead of sitting on the balcony?” he commented. She was lost for words a bit. “I’ve seen you. You were always welcome to join me Simmons, it’s not a private beach.”

“Well, it kind of is. This little bit is owned by S.H.I.E.L.D,” Simmons sat down next to him on the warm sand. “Sorry. That I...didn’t come over earlier.”

“It’s really awkward,” Fitz said straight out. “I mean, we’ve done trips before and holidays and I thought...maybe we’d get back into how it was when we came out here but...” he sighed. “You can’t even look at me.”

“Hey, don’t...don’t put this all on me. You’re the one sitting out here every night and never asking me to join you,” Simmons said, slightly offended.

“Touche,” Fitz replied. “Isn’t there just some magic button that can take things back to how they were?” Simmons looked up, completely lost for what to say. “Don’t...don’t look at me like that and then just not say anything. I’m the one with the brain damage, not you. I’m the one who’s struggling to get the words out and you’re just sitting there not saying anything when I know you have things that you want to say to me.”

“Fitz...”

“No, look, I...I’m not going to sit here in silence with you because I can do that on my own. So, so...if you’re going to stay here which I...” he looked up at her as he said it, “I really want you to do, then you’re going to have to start talking to me, Jemma.”

“About what? Where on earth do you expect me to start? Because I’ve said sorry far too many times and it doesn’t seem to mean anything!” 

“No, that’s not what I’m asking for,” Fitz said and turned to face her, “I know, things happened in the past and that we made bad choices, but you’ve held my hand again and you made me that delicious sandwich and I thought we were making progress. I really did. But it’s been one step forward, two steps back and I just want to keep moving forward. Be friends again.” 

“That’s all you want?” Simmons said with a raised eyebrow and Fitz nodded.

“Of course it is,” he said and smiled and leant his head to the side. “I just want things to stop being weird and for us to start enjoying this holiday together.” 

“So do I,” Simmons told him and smiled, looking up at him and he nodded.

“I suggest, we go out and see what this place has to offer in terms of night-life then,” Fitz said and got up. “Or are you going to stay at home and read that book you’ve been reading the past few days?”

“It is a very interesting book!” Simmons leant back. “The characterisation is written so beautifully...”

“Bor-ing,” Fitz said and walked off with a smile on his face and Simmons smiled too, getting up and running to catch up with him.

\-----

Fitz put on a nice dark coloured shirt and waited for Simmons to be ready. She wasn’t really sure of what to wear herself but, not wanting to be too showy, decided on a light blouse and white skirt. She left her room and Fitz smiled at her, making her blush a little. 

“Where do you suggest?” she asked him.

“Let’s just see where we end up,” Fitz smiled and Simmons nodded as they walked out and left the villa. 

The two ended up not far from where they were staying in a local bar and decided that, seeing as they didn’t do this very often, they’d get plenty of shots. Which was incidently the last thing that Simmons remembered the morning after when she awoke in a state of undress in a bed she wasn’t familiar with and bright light pouring through the window.

“Fitz?” she squinted, keeping the blanket close to her chest and rolled over - shocked to see a tall, handsome, dark skinned man next to her instead. “Oh no...” she looked around at the unfamiliar apartment and saw her clothes on the floor. She started to get dressed, but it was then that the man woke up and smiled at her.

“Hi beautiful,” he said in a deep voice and she jumped slightly. “Not running away?”

“Me? Erm...no, no of course not,” she laughed nervously. “How did...I don’t really remember what happened?” 

“You were quite drunk,” she sat up and she noticed his six-pack and flexing muscles - a nice bonus for her. “But you’re the one who suggested coming back here.” 

“I did? I do not remember that, are you sure? Because it doesn’t sound much like me?” she said but the man leant over and put a finger to her lips - she shivered a little at his touch.

“You’re a chatty one,” he said and she smiled slightly. “I’ll make you breakfast.” 

“Oh, there’s no need, I should probably go...”

“And I can tell you what happened,” he added. She did want to know - at least, she would like to at least try to piece together what happened - so she took him up on the offer.

“Thank you erm...er...I’m sorry...”

“Ned,” she said and got up and replaced his own clothes before walking out of the room. Simmons breathed out with her head pounding. What on earth had happened?

Over breakfast (which made Simmons a little queasy), Ned explained what had happened.

“You were at this club with another guy, you were with him all night almost. Short, blonde hair, dark blue shirt.”

“Fitz...” she said and looked up. “What happened?”

“And you two were dancing, both really drunk but then you were fighting about something and so you left him and started chatting to me about him.”

“Oh God, what did I say?”

“You said you had history and that you’d caused him a lot of pain which you couldn’t fix and that it was just too complicated. You said you felt guilty and wanted to forget about what was happening. He came back over and told you that he was going home, but you wanted to stay with me. He didn’t want you to, but I promised I’d look after you, which I did. Then, you cried a bit after he left, but you came back with me.”

“Did we have sex?” Simmons asked the awkward question. The smile on his face gave her the answer. “Oh no...not, oh no because it was bad, I’m sure it was good but...I don’t...I don’t do this sort of thing.”

“You should,” Ned winked at her. “More juice?”

“Erm...I...”

“You don’t have to feel bad,” he told her. “Whoever that guy is, he’s just making you feel sad, so maybe you need to be happy without him. With me?”

“With you?”

Ned got up and walked over to Simmons and knelt down beside her chair and kissed her.

“I can take care of you,” he said and she broke off with a little smile. 

She showered at Ned’s flat and left an hour later with his phone number and a plan to see him later tonight. It couldn’t hurt and maybe he was right - maybe she should focus on herself for a while. Once she found her bearings, walked back towards the villa along the beach - as that was the fastest route, the sand warm on her bare feet. She almost stumbled when she saw a figure already sat down on the beach outside their villa. 

Simmons breathed in and walked over to Fitz who saw her and stood up.

“Hey,” she said quietly.

“Hi,” he replied and Simmons looked out across the water. “Glad you’re back safely.”

“Yeah I, stayed at Ned’s and had breakfast there. He’s quite sweet really - helped me out when I couldn’t remember anything.”

“Well good for you, I’m ecstatic for you finally finding someone,” Fitz replied.

“I’m...I’m sorry...”

“Stop saying sorry!” Fitz told her, angrily. “It’s like that’s all we ever say to each other nowadays.” He walked over and sat on some large rocks. Simmons sighed to herself and walked over, sitting down next to him.

“What do you want me to say then? Because you’re telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing but you’re not confronting why I’m saying it or telling me how to fix this. You’re just blaming me for everything.” 

“I’m not, do you really think that’s what I’m doing?” Fitz said. “I’m not.” He reached over for her hand. 

“It feels like it,” Simmons said back and drew her hand away. “And I don’t want to feel guilty. It’s so draining, Fitz. I can’t be around someone who makes me feel guilty all the time.”

“I’m sorry,” Fitz said. “There we go again, with the apologies.” He sighed. “How the hell are we going to fix this?”

The two sat in silence for a while before Simmons spoke sadly.

“What if we can’t?” she said and Fitz looked at her. “What if this is it? What if I just make you disappointed for the rest of your life and you make me feel guilty?” 

“That sounds like giving up to me.”

“I’m not giving up! But what else can we do? We’re tearing each other to shreds every time we’re around each other. That’s not what a friendship should be like. That’s not what anything should be like.”

“I hate that I make you feel this way,” Fitz looked out to sea. “I just want to be the guy that makes everything better, but I’m just making it so much worse. I don’t want to have to hear about how nice other guys are or how they make you feel,” Fitz told her. “I want you to say that about me and…and I think it’s about time you did.” 

“Fitz…” Simmons said but before she could do anything, Fitz had lifted her off the large rock they were sat on and placed her on the sand. Before she could steady herself or consider Fitz’s hands on her hips, he leant forward to kiss her. Simmons drew back and looked up at him, with her mouth slightly open.

“What are you doing? You know I’m seeing Ned!”

“You’re not seeing Ned, you were with him once! And, whoever he is, he doesn’t care about you like I do. Simmons, you’re the most beautiful thing in my whole world and I want to make you smile again. I don’t want to make you cry or feel guilty. I am going to make it up to you and make things right.” 

Fitz took her hands in his and she trembled slightly at the touch as he pulled her closer to him.

“Let me do this,” he told her and kissed her on the lips.

Simmons placed her hand up to his cheek and continued the kiss, feeling his hands on her hips and his thumbs stroking up and down the fabric of her skirt. It was the first time that things had started to feel right between them again - her heart was flying at the moment.

“Wow, you move fast,” they heard a voice and Fitz broke off and looked up towards the villa’s balcony. Simmons’ heart fell as she saw a blonde woman who was wearing that dark blue shirt Fitz had been wearing the night before and nothing else.

Simmons with her mouth open stared at Fitz who looked back at her, stumbling his words.

“You did it first. I was going to explain but it was just a one night stand...” 

It was true - she couldn’t be a hypocrite now. She felt tears in her eyes and shook her head, pulling away from Fitz and walking back along the beach. Fitz ran after her.

“Jemma! Where are you going? Don’t go! She was just a mistake!” 

“I’m...I’m going to Ned’s,” Simmons told him, turning back round to face Fitz. 

“Don’t,” Fitz tried to reach for her hand. “I’ll get her to go, I don’t even know what her name is and we can talk about...”

“No, no I can’t talk right now,” Simmons said. “Maybe we should be with other people because we just keep hurting one another. It’s not intentional, but we keep doing it. I’ll see you later.” 

“Jemma!?” Fitz called after her but she shook her head and walked away. 

She waited until he was definitely out of sight because she started to cry. Something was always there to mess the two of them up. It was true - they were just hurting one another. At least Ned understood and she could talk to him. He did say that he’d see her later on anyway, so she hoped she wasn’t too keen coming back less than an hour later. She could say she forgot something, maybe an earring. Maybe this time, she’d be able to have a romantic encounter with him that she would remember to forget about Fitz. 

\-----

It took a while for Simmons to find the place that Ned lived but then found it not very far from the bar they’d been at last night before they’d headed onto the club. Simmons dried her eyes and took a deep breath, only to feel the same sinking feeling she’d felt before as she saw and heard through the open window of the ground floor apartment, Ned with another girl in the same bed she’d only been a few hours before.

Simmons struggled with another sob and ran away from the flat. As soon as she reached the corner of the street, she started to cry all over again and placed her head in her hands.

“Are you okay?” she heard a small voice and looked down to see an old lady who was slightly shorter than her.

“Erm...I...no, no not really,” Simmons felt embarrassed as she fell apart in front of this stranger. The woman patted her on the back.

“It happens to the best of us my dear. I was just on my way to the beach, my family are all out sight-seeing but I wanted to stay and relax. You can tell me all about it,” the old lady said to Simmons and she nodded as she went with the woman to sit over on the sand. 

Simmons needed to pour her heart out and she told the woman everything that had happened - leaving out the details about S.H.I.E.L.D of course, but how she’d lost her best friend, made all the wrong choices and now Fitz was seeing someone else and she no longer was.

“It sounds like you really need to get to the root of your problems,” the old lady told Simmons. “This Ned sounds like a womaniser to me, but Leo sounds like he really cares about you. It sounds like he only went with this other girl because he thought he’d lost you?”

“I just...know there’s someone so much better out there for him than me. I just wished that maybe there’d be someone for me too.”

“We don’t always need the ‘better’ option,” the old lady told Simmons. “Anyone could be better for us, but that’s boring. Imagine finding the perfect person with no flaws - you’d never feel good enough. Whereas someone with so much shared history is going to give so much passion and fire. It sounds like you two have a lot of that already.”

“But for all the wrong reasons.”

“Maybe so, but is it just possible that you’re using it to cover up the right reasons?” the woman said and Simmons looked at her. “You like him, don’t you? Leo?”

“I always have, but he won’t let me love him back.” 

“I wasn’t talking about love, but if you are, then it sounds like something worth fighting for. You’ll know when you see him again. We all make mistakes because we’re trying to search for the right thing all the time. We just want to make others around us happy - but sometimes, it’s the wrong things that lead us to moments we would never have gotten to otherwise.” 

Simmons nodded and laughed slightly with tears in her eyes.

“I don’t think it’s that simple between us. There’ll be fighting and there’s so much we need to discuss...”

“Well, there’s no time like the present. Unless you’re going to stay on the beach with a stranger like me avoiding your problems,” the old lady smiled and Simmons smiled back.

“I didn’t even ask you your name or find out anything about you?” she said sympathetically.

“Joan,” the woman smiled. “And you don’t need to know much about me, except that I, like yourself, made wrong choices but it all worked out in the end. You’ll see that one day.”

“Thank you, for everything,” Simmons said and stood up. “Enjoy the rest of your holiday.” 

“You too,” Joan waved as Simmons started to walk back to her villa, breathing out heavily as she did, not knowing what was going to be waiting for her when she got back.

\-----

This time, she used the front door and saw Fitz pacing up and down in the main room and look over at her as she entered.

“You’re back?” he said. “What happened to Ned?”

“It...” Simmons realised her voice sounded quite breathless, “It turns out that I’m not the only girl he thinks he can ‘make happy.’” She walked over to the lounge. 

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that...”

“You’re not,” Simmons shook her head. “I know you’re not.”

“Yeah, you’re right, I’m not but it’s still not fair that he’s hurt you. Do you want me to go and...I don’t know, do something?”

Simmons smiled and shook her head.

“Where’s...little miss blonde hair?” she said, almost resentfully.

“She left, put my shirt in the wash, she’s not...I went back to that bar that we started in after I left you with Ned. I met her there and she literally offered it to me in exchange for me buying her a kebab.”

“Wow...sounds like a delightful woman,” Simmons replied. 

“I was upset about you. That’s all it was,” Fitz told her and Simmons nodded.

“I know. It just...was a bit of a shock to see her there and then see Ned with someone else too.”

“I’m not like him,” Fitz shook his head. “I didn’t know what was going to happen between us and that kiss, I didn’t plan that to happen but I really wanted it. I completely forgot about...what’s her face. I'm not going to see her again anyway. You don’t know how much it kills me knowing that you don’t feel the same way about me, but it killed me more yesterday when I saw you with him. That’s why I did it.”

“You never asked me if I did,” Simmons told him. “Maybe if you had, things would be different.”

“They wouldn’t be, I know how you feel.” 

“There you go again! With the guilt! It’s like you don’t even know you’re doing it but you are and that’s what hurts, Fitz! Because we can’t get past that! I care about you Leo Fitz, and you’re the one who won’t believe that I do. Everything I’ve done, it’s been for you. Dragging you out of the pod, leaving to help you get better, I literally reached out my hand to you to show you that I care and gave you that sandwich. Do you know how expensive buffalo mozzarella is to buy and how difficult it is to store? Do you think I just threw a few ingredients together because I thought you’d be hungry? No, I gave that to you because it meant something, and you knew it meant something. You’re just too blind to see it.”

“You’re doing that because you care about me, not because you want anything more. That’s what friends do. I know who you really liked, I bet Ned reminded you of Tripp which is why you went with him.”

“Don’t bring Tripp into this after all this time! He was a good man and he’s not able to defend himself. Maybe, maybe I had a crush on Tripp but it’s certainly nothing compared to how I feel about you.”

“And I’m meant to believe that? That I am anything compared to someone who was handsome and tall and skilled in combat and made jokes and didn’t have a messed up brain like mine?”

“Your brain never came into it!”

“The brain damage changed me, you couldn’t deal with it. Even if you did feel something for me, you couldn’t love the new me, that’s why you left me.”

“No, no I didn’t,” Simmons told him. “I left because you needed to be away from me. You needed to start to live life for yourself and not for me. You sacrificed yourself for me and I brought you back to live that life. I wasn’t going to let myself get in the way of you living a full life again.”

“Guilt, it’s always guilt. That’s what I make you feel? Guilt because I made you take the oxygen? It wasn’t your fault...”

“It was, and I’m tired of feeling guilty for it but I do! That’s where it all started. You shouldn’t have given me that oxygen...”

“Je...”

“No, let me speak this time,” Simmons said. “You shouldn’t have given me that oxygen because it’s like at that very point, you were giving your life for me. I feel as if everything I’m trying to do is never good enough for you because you gave me back my life but I can’t be that same person you saved down there. I can’t be that girl anymore and you’re making me feel guilty for not being her.” 

“I don’t want you to feel that way. I want you to be happy you’re alive. That’s all I ever wanted...” Fitz walked over to her and pushed her hair to one side. “I never knew you felt like this?”

“I’m happy you saved me, of course I am, but you gave me such a huge burden. And, you told me how you felt right before you pressed that button which means that you’ll never be able to fully accept that I like you back because you’ll always think that I’m only saying it because of the pod. I’m not. I’m saying it because I like you too. I love you.”

“How?”

“Don’t ask me how because you know I’m not going to answer that,” Simmons said and placed her hands on Fitz’s chest, and up to his neck. “You think that I can’t love you for you, but the truth is, you can’t love me for me. You love who you think I am, who you want me to be, but you don’t make the person you love feel guilty all the time and make them feel like you’re the disappointment.”

“I’m s...no, I won’t say that,” Fitz shook his head. “What do we do? Is that ever going to change?”

“We have to make it change,” Simmons nodded. “You have to accept how I feel and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re more than good enough for me.”

“And you need to stop feeling guilty over everything. It’s not your fault about what happened to me, or Tripp, or Skye or even Ward. They aren’t your responsibility. I’ll let you love me, only if you start loving yourself again because if I can do it, then I’m sure you can too.”

“Well, the same goes for you, Leo,” Simmons poked Fitz in the chest. “No more avoiding our problems and no more feeling bad about ourselves. We can make this work.”

“Right,” Fitz nodded and pulled Simmons closer to him for a hug but she stopped him.

“We’re past that stage,” she said and tiptoed up and kissed him on the lips and he smiled throughout the kiss and picked her up, walking over to her room. “Where are we going?”

“We can’t use mine, not until I’ve washed the sheets,” Fitz told her and placed Simmons down on her bed. “Stinks of kebabs.”

“Lovely,” Simmons rolled her eyes and giggled. “I hope you showered since then.”

“Of course,” Fitz said and climbed onto the bed next to Simmons, lying her back on the pillows as he kissed her.

Simmons phone rang and they both looked over.

“Ned,” she said, looking up at Fitz who was lying above her. Fitz smiled and took the phone.

“Ned? Fitz, here we met last night. Jemma can’t come to the phone right now because we’re about to have some very loud sex and unlike you, I’m going to make sure she remembers it,” he said and hung up before tossing the phone aside and taking Simmons in his arms and fulfilling that very promise. 

-THE END-


End file.
